Night Talk

Author: Kati Kat
Rating: PG-13.
Genre: Angst.
Status: Complete.
Pairing: Ban x Ginji.
Summary: Some things are not what they seem to be.

I wasnīt sure what woke me up, but I was ready to go back to sleep immediately. I turned to my side and reached over to the other side of the bed, where my lover usually slept. That was when my eyes popped open, for the other half of the bed was not only empty, but the sheets were cold, too.

I turned on my back again and looked around the little one-room apartment. It was dark, the only source of light being a street lamp, shining through the big window looking onto the street. I blinked a couple of times and when I was finally able to focus, I noticed the familiar shape, sitting on the window sill.

"Ginji?" I rasped out softly, my voice confused. What was he doing up at this unholy hour? I looked at the clock sitting on the night stand. The red numbers shone 3:14 am. What the...?

Ginji didnīt answer my inquiry. He kept sitting there, one leg pulled to his chest, the other resting with his foot on the floor. I knew he was dressed in boxer shorts and a t-shirt, his usual sleeping attire.

"Whatīs going on?" I asked, this time more loudly and sat up, the sheet falling to my lap.

"īs nothing. Go back to sleep, Ban," my blond lover answered, his voice just as soft as mine.

Okay, now I was really worried. Ginji never called me Ban. I had always been "Ban-chan", no matter how much I argued with him not to call me that.

I pushed the sheet to the side and swung my legs over the side of the bed. My feet touched the hardwood floor and its coldness made me shudder. I really appreciated that Paul let us camp in the little apartment above Honky Tonk, but he could really turn up the heat a bit.

I reached blindly and took a pack of cigarettes from the nightstand, then the lighter. I shook out one cigarette, closed my lips around the butt and threw the pack back on the nightstand. A moment later, the apartment lit up with a little gold flame. I took a drag on the cigarette, returned the lighter back where I got it from, then exhaled deeply. Now I was more ready to deal with whatever mess that was occupying Ginjiīs mind.

I stood up and walked over to the window, where he was sitting. I sat down on the sill just opposite him and shuddered again, when my naked back touched the cold window pane. Maybe I really should start wearing something more besides boxers for the night. I propped my feet on the chair nearby, lying my arms on my bent knees.

"Whatīs going on?" I asked again, looking at him.

He sat there, leaning against the wall and staring at his hands. The apartment was dark and I couldnīt see his face clearly, but I really didnīt feel like getting up and switching the light on.

"I came so close..." I heard him whisper, a strange tone to his voice.

I paused in mid-drag, blowing the smoke out through my nose. "What?"

Suddenly, blue and white sparks and flames started to dance on the tips of his fingers, giving his face in a creepy, ghost-like look, making the shadows even deeper.

"So close," he repeated. He closed his hands into fists, the room returning to its previous darkness. I saw him shift his head. I was sure he was looking at me right now, returning my stare. "If you had come just seconds later... it would have been too late."

At once I knew what he was talking about. A matter we both avoided like the plague over the last couple of days. I knew we needed to talk about it, but couldnīt he at least wait for a reasonable hour?

"Ginji..." He didnīt let me finish.

"A few seconds more and the damage done would have been irreversible. No coming back. All bridges burned. The Emperor of Lightning would have been out of the box, burning it in the process."

I sighed, turned my head and took another drag. I didnīt know what to say. I knew exactly how close this call had been. Not seconds. A second. One second later and we wouldnīt be sitting here right now.

"And you know what the worst thing is?" he asked, his voice still soft, but there was a desperate note to it. I turned to him, but kept my silence. "I craved it. I knew what I would become and I didnīt care. The power was thrilling, liberating. It was pulling me in and I didnīt even think about resisting. I opened myself fully to it. Not even you would have been able to pull me out of it this time."

I turned my head away again, watching the red glimmer of my cigarette in the dark. "But I did," I answered finally.

I heard him huff. "But at what cost? Akabane could have killed you. He stabbed you, put his sword right through you. And what if it had been your heart and not only your shoulder?" The desperation was getting more and more pronounced. I didnīt know where he was heading with it.

"Then I would be dead," I answered as calmly as I could. I really didnīt know how I felt about my own mortality.

"What? And that would be it?"

I shrugged and took another drag.

A long silence settled between us. Neither of us spoke, before I put out the butt of my cigarette in the ashtray on the nearby table.

"Ban... should the day come when... when I finally snap and become... him..." He really didnīt like the title people gave him. "I... You would be the only one, who could stop me, just like the first time..." His voice trailed off.

I entwined my arms on my knees and looked at him. "What are you saying?"

I never heard such seriousness in his voice like right now in this very moment. "I want you to do anything thatīs in your power to stop me. No matter what the cost," he added, his voice grave.

The blood in my veins turned to ice. "You want me to kill you?" I whispered. I couldnīt believe that he would ask me this. Not again. Not another friend. I wouldnīt lose another person important to me by my own hand.

"There wonīt be any other way..."

I interrupted him. "Have you lost your mind? There are other ways-"

"NO, there arenīt!" he jumped in, silencing me. "Itīs getting harder and harder to resist the call of the power when I use my abilities. Sometime I can barely manage to pull from the brink. Iīm dancing at the edge of my own abyss here, Ban. Itīs only a matter of time before I fall in." He let his other leg fall from the sill, too, then he leaned closer and closed his hands around my arm. "I need to have a safety net. I need to know that there will be someone who will do the right thing and save me from doing something I would regret until my last breath." He paused, looking directly into my eyes. "I need to know, there will be someone, who will save my soul if not my body," he finished in a voice so soft, that I could barely hear him.

I swallowed, gazing into his chocolate eyes. I knew he was waiting for my answer but I hesitated. I knew about his problems with shifting back to his merely human form for some time now even though he didnīt say anything. I had my own beast lurking in my soul, the demonic laughter ringing in my ears every waking moment. I knew everything about being possessed, so I could understand the source of his fear. And I knew that no one else would be able to face him, should he take the last step and become the Emperor of Lightning for good. But would I be able to kill him?

The need for reassurance in his eyes turned into desperation as minutes passed and I still didnīt answer. He gripped my arm more tightly, begging me to promise him to be there if needed.

I swallowed again, then nodded just a little. "I promise that I will do whatever I can," I whispered and he relaxed, literally melting into my side. I raised my arm, laid it around his shoulders and pulled him closer to me. "Can we please go back to sleep now?" I asked after giving him a hard squeeze. He nodded.

Ten minutes later, we were lying on the bed, cuddled together. Ginji was snoring softly. Exhaustion dragged him down as soon as he laid his head on my shoulder. I covered us both with the thin sheet, then lay there, staring at the dark ceiling above me.

I promised to do my best, but I never said a word about killing.

Sorry, Ginji, but there wonīt be an easy way out. I wonīt allow you to leave me behind.