Mr. Wonderful Is Jack Daniels

Author: Aquaian Goddess
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Humor. PWP.
Status: Complete.
Pairing: Shido x Ban.
Summary: Ban gets drunk. Very drunk. Poor Shido.

There were some things Shido didn’t appreciate. Dicks who abuse their pets. People who litter. Getting called by Hevn. Getting called by Hevn in a blind panic at 2 fuckin AM because Ginji returned from a retrieval job and Ban had not.

“What do you expect me to do about it?”

“Find him!”

“Why?” Shido rubbed his face.

“Because he could be lying dead in a ditch somewhere.”

“And it would be a vast improvement to his personality. Now if you don’t mind, I was sleeping, like a normal person.”

“Shido-kun! Gin-chan will be sad if you don’t find him.”

Shido bit his lip. In that respect, Ginji was much like a kicked puppy. He’d look at you with those big brown eyes and his lower lip would tremble and you’d feel like the biggest bastard in the world. He scowled. “You are an evil, manipulative bitch, Hevn.”

“Yes I am. Are you going to find him or not?”

“I’m going I’m going. Good-bye Hevn.” he clicked off his cell phone and scowled. “God damn it.”

At first, Shido did not believe the mouse that had directed him to the GetBackers’ car. Shido blinked at what was indeed the GetBackers’ car, parked in an alleyway next to a bar. After a peek inside said car told him that Ban was not inside it, Shido turned to the bar and walked inside. He was greeted by the smell of alcohol, loud music, and the sight of Mido Ban sandwiched between two men and dancing. And being groped. And looking as though he was enjoying himself very much. Shido blinked, and looked around the bar, noticing that there were almost no women. The women that were there were dancing with each other like lovers.

‘It’s a gay bar.’ Shido thought. ‘That stupid Snake Bastard is in a gay bar, while Ginji is back at the Honky Tonk worried sick about him. Supposedly worried sick, anyway.’ Shido was seething now as he stormed over to Ban. He tapped Ban’s shoulder, glaring.

Ban opened his eyes and blinked at Shido, as if trying to remember who he was. Then his face split into a cheerful grin. “Shido! Hey!” He yelled over the music.

One of the men Ban was dancing with, a red head with green eyes (‘Foreigner’, Shido thought immediantly), raised an eyebrow. “He your boyfriend?”

Before Ban could say anything, Shido cut in. “No. Now come on. I’m taking you home.”

Ban tilted his head, confused. “But, Shido... you just got here!” Ban grabbed Shido. “Dance with me first!”

Shido blinked down at Ban. “You are drunk.” Ban pulled Shido closer and started to grind. “Very very very drunk.”

“Mmmm.” Ban wrapped his arms around Shido as a slow song came on.

“Why are you even here, Snake Bastard?” Shido was getting very irritated by this very quickly. He was not going to be held responsible for his actions if Ban’s hand, at least what he hoped was Ban’s hand, kept sliding down his spine. Shido was also telling himself that the reason his hands were sliding around Ban’s waist was because they were dancing, and not because he wanted to slide his hands around the smooth skin under the warmed cotton.

“What?”

“Here. In a gay bar.”

“Oh! Told Ginji we had to split up, to avoid being followed.” Ban nibbled on his lower lip. “I think. I’m pretty sure. Ginji can take care of himself.” Ban smiled at Shido, and he could’ve sworn Ban was trying to seduce him. “Shido.”

“What?”

“Kiss me.”

“What?!”

“Hey, if you don’t want Blue Eyes, we can take him off your hands for you.” Ban’s other dance partner, a blond with green eyes, spoke up.

“Kinky thoughts again, love?”

“You should know.” The blond leered.

Shido turned to glare down the men, who just seemed amused by the ordeal, then turned back around when he heard a giggle, not noticing the redhead and the blond sharing a look and move away. He blinked down at Ban, who giggled again. “Ban...”

“Hmm?”

“We are leaving. Right now. Ginji is worried sick about you.”

Ban pouted, and Shido reminded himself that he was not here to nibble on Ban’s lower lip. “But I’m having fun.”

“At least give him a call to let him know you’re okay.”

“Okay!” Ban chirped, flashing Shido a sunny smile that startled the hell out of him.

“You’re scary when you’re drunk.”

“You’re scary when you’re sober.”

Shido shook his head and let go of Ban. “I’m going to call Ginji to tell him that you’re fine. Then I’m going to bring you home so you can sleep this off.”

“Aww...” Ban pouted again. “Come back quick, okay?”

“Sure sure, whatever.” Shido walked over to the bar. “Can I use your phone?”

“Sure.”

Shido dialed the number of Ginji’s cell and waited. “Ban-chan?!”

“Is currently drunk off his ass.”

“Oh, hello Shido-kun! How are you?”

“Grumpy at being woken up at 2 am to find the damn Snake Bastard. But otherwise, I’m fine.”

“Great! So Ban-chan’s okay?”

“Fine. Just very drunk.”

“And about to start singing.” The bartender said, amused.

“WHAT?!” Shido spun and watched in horror as Ban danced, albeit drunkenly, on the small stage to the beat of the song.

“What can I do for you? What can I do for you? What can I do for you? I can hear you. What can I do for you? What can I do for you? What can I do for you?” Ban struck a pose and winked at the crowd. “I remember hazy borders of my heart. I could see a place, that's something like this. Every now and then I don't know what to do. Still I know that I could never go back. Many things I've seen In those hazy dreams, can't compare to what I'm seeing now. Everything's so different that it brings me to my knees. And though I know your world of real emotion has surrounded me, I won't give into it. Now, I know, that forward is the only way my heart can go. I hear your voice calling out to me ‘You'll never be alone!’” Ban shuffled about on the stage, grinning as the crowd catcalled him.

“Ginji?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to go haul Ban off the stage and take him back to my place to sleep this off, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks for looking out for him, Shido-kun.”

“Good-bye, Ginji.” Shido hung up the phone. “What the hell did he DRINK?!”

“Half a bottle of whiskey, and about four beers.”

“Great.”

Shido made his way towards the stage as Ban sang on. “And in our fight, the real world of emotion has surrounded me. And I can't go on, but you are there the moment that I close my eyes you comfort me. We are connected for motion, I'll never be alone! And though I know your world of real emotion has surrounded me, I won't give into it! Now, I know, that forward is the only way my heart can go. I hear your voice calling out to me ‘You'll never be alone’!” Shido grabbed Ban by the arm and hauled him off stage. “HEY! I was singing.”

“I know. That’s why I stopped you.” The crowd started booing Shido. “FUCK OFF!” He roared at them. The crowd blinked and stepped back. Ban giggled again.

“Shido the mighty lion.” Ban purred, tracing lazy circles on Shido’s pectoral muscle as he leaned on him. “Very sexy.”

“Shut up. I’m taking you home.”

“YAY! We’re going to have sex!” Ban said with way too much cheer and enthusiasm. Shido briefly wondered if Ban would be this enthusiastic in the sack, and shook his head.

“I’m not having sex with a child.”

"Silly Shi-chan. Sex is for adults. Which we both happen to be, mind you."

"...Shi-chan?"

"Yes. Shi-chan."

"Death-chan?"

"Morbidly cute isn't it?"

"...You need a cold shower and some coffee."

"Noooo. I need to get laid."

"And you want me to provide you with this service?"

"Yes. I've seen it, you know. It's not like you've got anything to hide."

Shido stared down at Ban, who only smiled impishly back at him. "You scare me."

Ban nibbled Shido's neck. "And you sexually frustrate me. Can we go have sex now?"

‘You know, I really don’t understand why you’re not taking him up on his offer. You’re stressed out, and it is his fault that you’re here, and sex is a great stress reliever. He’s not that bad looking.’

‘He is kinda sexy..’

‘Exactly! And it’s not like he’s asking for forever here. What harm can a little one night stand do?’

‘Other than the fact that I’m taking advantage of a very drunk man? Not a damn thing.’ Shido sighed in defeat. “God damn it.” He crushed his mouth to Ban’s. Ban tasted of alcohol and cigarettes and something that was pure Ban. Ban gave a moan and kissed back, wrapping his arms around Shido’s neck and threading his fingers though the taller man’s hair. Shido nibbled on Ban’s lower lip, then pulled away.

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeey. No stopping.”

“You want to have sex in the middle of this place, or do you want a bed?” Shido growled out, voice rough with desire.

Ban blinked. “Bed.”

“Okay then.” Shido half carried Ban out of the bar, glaring down anyone who got in his way as Ban nipped at his earlobe and neck.

Shido, unceremoniously, dumped Ban in the passenger side of Ban’s tiny little car. “Wanna have sex in the car?”

“Bed.”

“Wuss.”

Shido grabbed Ban and kissed him harshly again. “You are really starting to piss me off.”

Ban smiled and Shido would’ve sworn that he sparkled at him. “Heeeee.”

Shido let go of Ban and started the car, grumbling about drunk sexy snakes.

Shido had Ban against the closed door of his tiny apartment above Madoka’s garage, Ban’s white shirt undone and hanging off his body by the arms, one hand down the front of Ban’s pants and the other slammed against the door next to Ban’s head. Also, both of their shoes were off. Ban moaned against Shido’s mouth, hands fisted in Shido’s shirt, hips thrusting into Shido’s touch. Shido’s kisses trailed along Ban’s jaw and down his neck as Ban started to pull up Shido’s shirt and run his hands along the muscles of Shido’s back. Shido moaned as Ban tore Shido’s shirt in half and spun them around so that Ban was pinning Shido to the door, his hands running up Shido’s chest and across his shoulders. “Who said you were going to lead this?” Ban growled against Shido’s ear.

“I did.” Shido snarled back, biting into Ban’s neck hard enough to hurt, but not enough to break the skin as he half dragged, half carried Ban into the bedroom, giving Ban a quick shove that had the smaller man fall on his bed. Quite the picture Ban made, sprawled out, his legs spread, leaning up on his elbows as his white shirt pooled around him. “Problem?” Shido knelt over Ban, his hands on either side of Ban’s head.

“Maybe.” Ban flipped them over again, tossed his white shirt aside and began kissing his way down Shido’s chest. When Ban got to the button of Shido’s jeans, Shido dragged Ban up to kiss him roughly as he rolled them back over.

“Tough.”

Ban sucked on Shido’s lower lip. “Oh, I love it when you’re all rough and ready to rumble. It’s very sexy.”

“Sexy?”

“Why do you think I fight with you so much?”

“Because you’re a masochist?”

Ban gave an undignified snort. Shido briefly wondered if there was anyone who could snort with dignity and blinked. Ban planted a kiss between Shido’s eyes. “What are you thinking about?”

“Why I’m not fucking you through the mattress right now.”

“Oh.” Ban blinked. “No lube?”

“Hmm.” Shido reached into his bedside drawer and pulled out a bottle and a foil wrapper. “We’ve got the lube.”

Ban grinned up at Shido and shimmied out of his pants and boxers, and kicked them away. “Then what are you waiting for?”

Shido gave a low growl and began kissing Ban again, ripping the tank top Ban wore under his white shirt in the process of trying to get to more of Ban’s skin as he lubed his fingers with the lotion and thrust them none too gently inside Ban. Ban arched up off the bed, moaning. “Ahn, Shido!” Ban panted as Shido lapped at one of Ban’s nipples, and then the other, all the while working his fingers in and out of Ban.

Ban flipped the two over again, and he tugged on Shido’s pants just enough to release Shido from his denim confinement, and ripped open the condom, sliding it over Shido. Ban’s eyes slid shut as he lowered himself down onto Shido’s length, moaning. Shido’s breathing hitched and he moaned as Ban began to ride him, his hands planted firmly on Shido’s chest to balance himself. Shido’s own hands slid the remains of Ban’s tank top off of him before sliding down to grip tightly at Ban’s slim hips as he moved. Shido could feel himself getting closer and rolled them over again, causing Ban’s eyes to open. Shido stared into Ban’s eyes, noticing in the back of his mind that the drunken gleam in Ban’s eyes was gone, and replaced with lust, confusion, recognition and shock. Shido grabbed Ban’s length and began pumping him in counterpoint with his thrusts, capturing Ban’s mouth in a soul burning kiss that swallowed Ban’s cry, a strange mixture of pleasure and confusion. Shido’s world shattered into white, and when the pieces fell together again, Ban was fast asleep, curled into Shido’s side. Shido, too tired to even think straight and still reeling from the orgasm, removed the used condom and threw it into the wastebasket, pulled Ban closer to him and dropped off to sleep.

Ban rolled over in the bed and groaned. ‘God, my head hurts, and I don’t remember getting a hotel room last night.’ He opened his eyes, then winced against the pain in his head. Okay, so THAT was a bad idea. He opened his eyes a crack and glanced around at the walls of room. ‘It doesn’t look like a hotel room. It looks like someone’s bedroom.’ Ban sat up, slowly, and noticed that he seemed to have a certain lack of clothing. ‘Naked in someone’s bedroom, with no real memory of what happened last night.’ He saw his ripped tanktop. ‘No good can come of this.’ The door opened and the glorious smell of coffee wafted to Ban’s nose. Ban kept his eyes on his legs. not wanting to look at the person in the room with him. What if he had gone home with someone... ugly? Or worse, a pervert who took pictures of the whole thing and posted them on the internet! The coffee cup was under his nose now, and Ban took it with a grunt of thanks as the other person sat down next to him on the bed. He took a sip. ‘Not as good as Paul’s, but then again, no one makes coffee like Paul does.’ Ban felt fingers on his throat, and froze.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

‘That voice. I know that voice. No. Don’t tell me I slept with..’ Ban slowly looked up and at the person on the bed with him. It was none other than Shido, sitting on the bed in nothing but a pair of loose drawstring pants. “Monkey Tamer?”

Shido blinked at Ban and took his fingers away from the dark bruise on Ban’s neck. “You don’t remember last night at all, do you?”

“I remember telling Ginji that we needed to split up, because we were being followed. I hid the car in an allyway and found the bar. I figured no one would bother to look in there, because most people are under the impression that I am straight.” He glanced at Shido. “So I go into the bar, order a few drinks and then it gets kinda fuzzy.”

“Do you remember dancing?”

“I danced?”

“Yes. With two men. A red head and a blond.”

“Schuldig...”

“What?”

“The red head. His name was Schuldig. I asked him about it, mostly because his name was a German verb, and not really a name.”

“What’s it mean?”

“Trouble, or guilty, or something like that. Then Yoji showed up.”

“Yoji would be the blond?”

“Yeah.” Ban scrunched his nose up. “I remember talking with Schuldig about Germany. I don’t remember dancing.”

“You were dancing and being groped. By the both of them.”

Ban made a strangled noise in the back of his throat. “What?”

“And you were hitting on me when I showed up to get you.”

“Did I act like an idiot?”

“As opposed to how you normally act?”

“Monkey Tamer, don’t make me hit you.”

Shido laughed. “You acted.. I guess the best way I can decribe it would be like Ginji. Only more sexual.”

Ban blinked. “What?”

“Happy and flirtatious in a way that a generous soul would call forward.”

“Oh God.”

“I went to call Ginji, and you got up on stage and started singing, and dancing.”

“What song?”

“That song Natsumi’s always singing.”

Ban whimpered, “Why didn’t you stop me?”

“I did, but only after you had gotten through most of the song already.”

“Nooooooo.”

“You also referred to me as ‘Shi-chan’.”

“Death-chan?”

“Yep.”

“That’s cheerful.”

“You called it ‘morbidly cute’.”

“Why didn’t you punch me and put me out of my misery?”

“Because I got the brilliant idea to take you up on your offer.”

“I offered you sex?”

“More like demanded it from me.”

“Since when do you do what I want?”

“Since I wasn’t thinking clearly.” Shido glanced at Ban’s exposed hip and saw the five bruises that graced it. His fingers. He reached out and ran his fingers softly over the marks. “Again, I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

Ban blinked at Shido. “I take it the sex was pretty wild...”

“Yeah.”

“Animal.” Ban muttered into his coffee, a hint of amusement evident in his voice.

“You’re the one that ripped my clothes off first.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Heh.” Ban drained his coffee. “Beat it and lemme get dressed.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to get back to the Honky Tonk.”

“No. Why should I leave?”

“Ummm...”

“It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before this.”

“Fine.” Ban stood and winced. “Ow.”

“You okay?”

“Sore.” Ban pulled on his pants and boxers, and pulled on his shirt. That’s when he glanced in the mirror. “Holy shit!” Ban arched his neck, tilting his head so he could see the huge mark on his neck. “What the fucking hell?!”

“Errrr...”

“Jeez, how am I going to explain this?!”

“Sorry?”

“Forget it.” Ban walked out the door and to his car. He was about to drive away when Shido called out to him.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Maybe we could do this again? Only next time, you won’t be drunk.”

Ban stared at him, then gave him a wink and a smile and drove off.

Shido grinned and walked back inside.